Muppet
"Got all the way to the gig, queued up, then Dan pats his pockets and realises he brought his TV remote instead of his wallet. Absolute muppet."
Plonker
"Tried to look cool on the train, tripped over my own tote bag and ate it. My mate goes, Oi you absolute plonker, you’re buying the first round."
Numpty
"Aye, I tried to tap my bus pass on the chippy card machine twice. The wee lad just sighed, Whit a numpty, and handed me my chips."
Pillock
"Ey up, I’ve just emailed me payslip to everyone. Tha daft pillock. Reet then, ring IT and pretend it were a test."
Prat
"Some prat wedged himself in the Tube doors with a massive suitcase, then acted shocked when everyone started tutting and squeezing past."
Wally
"Spent ages looking for my keys, then found them still in the door. My mate goes, you absolute wally, and keeps scrolling his phone."
Berk
"I felt a right berk turning up to the fancy-dress party in costume when nobody else had bothered."
Twit
"Tried tapping in on the bus with my Tesco Clubcard and the driver stared. My mate goes, you absolute twit, hurry up."
Tit
"He turned up to the wake in a flamingo shirt and shades. What a tit. Even the vicar clocked it and gave him the look."
Git
"He barged past everyone at the bus stop, then acted surprised when we tutted. What a git, honestly, some people have no manners."
Tosser
"Bloke in a white van cut me up, then gave me the V at the lights. Absolute tosser. Swear he thinks Nando’s is fine dining."
Wanker
"Some wanker in a white van cut me up on the North Circular then leant on his horn like I’d done him wrong. Proper wanker."
Bellend
"He dumped his pint on the bar, clicked his fingers at the staff, then moaned about the price. Absolute bellend, whole pub was fuming."
Melt
"Jay wouldn't come out because it was drizzling and he might ruin his hair, so the lads piled in, calling him a melt all night."
Doughnut
"You parked in the disabled bay again and forgot the handbrake. You absolute doughnut, now the car’s rolled into Dave’s Fiesta."
Plank
"He tried to microwave a tin of beans, then blamed the socket. Absolute plank, mate. Stick the kettle on before he burns the whole flat down."
Noddy
"He turned up to Tesco in his dressing gown, tried paying with an Oyster card, then looked offended when it bounced. Proper noddy."
Divvy
"Our Kev tried tapping his Walrus on the Merseyrail gate, kept beeping red, and goes, is it broke, la? Told him he’s a divvy."
Gormless
"Fire alarm’s going off and Gaz just stands there gormless, clutching his butty. I’m like, Ey up lad, shift it. He goes, Thought it were nowt."
Dim
"He said he’s nipping to Cardiff for the seaside. I went, mate, it’s miles from the coast. He’s a bit dim, bless him."
Dimwit
"Only a dimwit would text the group chat about the surprise party with the birthday girl still in it."
Twerp
"Dan nicked my Greggs sausage roll and blamed the office ghost. Absolute twerp. Made him buy me two more and he still looked proud."
Nincompoop
"Which nincompoop parked across two spaces and then left the hazard lights blinking all afternoon?"
Ninny
"She felt a proper ninny for screaming at the toy spider her nephew had hidden in the biscuit tin."
Numbskull
"Which numbskull put the metal tray in the microwave and turned the kitchen into a fireworks display?"
Eejit
"I legged it to the shop and realised I’d left my wallet on the table. Ma goes, You eejit, so you did, come back here."
Gobshite
"Did you hear yer man in the meeting claiming he invented WiFi in Donegal? Absolute gobshite. The lads nodded and I nearly choked on me tea."
Drongo
"Mate tried to pay at the servo with his library card, then blamed the EFTPOS. Absolute drongo, we were standing there like stunned mullets."
Galah
"You left the esky in the sun and now the snags are swimming. You galah, grab some ice before everyone cracks it."
Boofhead
"He tried cracking a tin of beans with a screwdriver, then whinged when it sprayed the kitchen. Absolute boofhead, the can opener’s been in the drawer forever."
Klutz
"I’ve spilt my brew, whacked my head on the cupboard, and pinged my keys into the cat’s water bowl. It’s not even 9am. Total klutz."
Butterfingers
"Nice one, butterfingers, you’ve dropped the pint again and soaked my trainers. Give it here before you redecorate the pub floor."
Cack-handed
"Mate, he promised he’d put up a shelf, drilled straight into the pipe, and flooded the flat. Step away from the tools, he’s cack-handed."
Ham-fisted
"She made a ham-fisted job of wrapping the gift, paper and tape everywhere."
Toe rag
"He nicked the raffle tin at the village fête, then tried blaming the dog. Absolute toe rag, get in the bin before the neighbours start tutting."
Yob
"Bunch of yobs outside the off-licence, blasting tunes and kicking cans about. I clocked them and crossed the road, not fancying a scrap."
Ponce
"He rocked up in loafers, moaned about the bus, then tried to ponce a tenner off me. Pack it in, you ponce."
Toff
"That lad rocked up in tweed, ordered a gin flight, and moaned the crisps weren’t artisanal. Total toff vibes, everyone was creasing."
Jobsworth
"That train guard wouldn’t let me on with a screenshot ticket even though the app was down. Proper jobsworth, like he’d get sacked for showing sense."
Piece of work
"The new manager’s a proper piece of work, banned lunch at desks and stuck a bell by the kettle. Now she pings it like we’re in primary school, absolute shambles"
Waste of space
"He’s meant to be on stock today, but he’s been leaning on the till chatting all shift. Absolute waste of space, mate, get him sacked."
Wet blanket
"We were buzzing for karaoke, but Liam turned up being a wet blanket, moaning about the queue, the song choices, and the price of pints."
Killjoy
"I finally beat the boss, man, and Jake goes yeah cool, now do the nightmare mode. Dude is such a killjoy, I almost muted him."
Spoilsport
"She called off the water fight, total spoilsport, the sun was finally out."
Party-pooper
"Don't be such a party-pooper, it's not even midnight and you want to leave already."
Know-it-all
"Nobody wants the know-it-all on quiz night correcting the host's answers."
Nosy parker
"Don’t tell the office nosy parker about the move, the whole building will know your new address by lunchtime."
Busybody
"Our street’s got a proper busybody, clocking everyone through the net curtains and messaging the group chat when your wheelie bin’s an hour late."
Codger
"The old codgers down the allotment have opinions on everything from marrows to the state of the nation."
Whippersnapper
"Back in my day, says Grandad, no whippersnapper would have dared put his trainers on the good sofa."
A few cards short of a deck
"Lovely fella, but a few cards short of a deck, he watered the plastic plants for a month."
One sandwich short of a picnic
"Dave tried to iron his shirt while still wearing it, then blamed the kettle for the burn. He’s one sandwich short of a picnic, bless him."
Not playing with a full deck
"Dude tried to update his laptop by putting it in the freezer, then wondered why it wouldn’t turn on. He’s not playing with a full deck."
Billy No-Mates
"Jay turns up to the pub an hour early and parks himself in the corner. Oi, Billy No-Mates, you been dumped or you just can’t read the group chat?"
Doolally
"Mum’s gone doolally, I reckon. She’s labelled every tin in the cupboard, then told the neighbours the cat’s training for the marathon."
Off your trolley
"He reckons he’ll rebuild his mate’s Corsa with duct tape and a TikTok tutorial. Nah, he’s off his trolley, get him a cuppa and hide the spanners."
Nutter
"He necked his pint, climbed the fence and tried to high-five the bouncer. Absolute nutter, mate, but you’ve got to respect the confidence."
Nutcase
"Jess rocked up to the charity do dressed as a traffic cone, then still did the bungee. Proper nutcase, but fair play, she raised two grand."
Bonkers
"Twenty quid for a sandwich? That is absolutely bonkers, mate."