What it means
A very British, fairly mild insult for someone who's being thick, clueless, or spectacularly daft. If you call someone a plank, you're saying they've got all the sharp thinking of a bit of timber. It's usually more eye-roll than proper hostility, the sort of thing you chuck at a mate, a coworker, or your brother after he's done something painfully stupid.
Usage examples
"He tried to microwave a tin of beans, then blamed the socket. Absolute plank, mate. Stick the kettle on before he burns the whole flat down."
"You locked the keys inside the running car again, you absolute plank, how do you keep managing it?"
"You put the oven gloves in the wash and left the roast bare-handed, you absolute plank."
"Don't follow Dave's shortcuts, he's a complete plank and got us lost twice already."
"I missed the last step on the app and deleted the whole thing. Proper plank, me."
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Where it comes from
Calling someone a plank paints them as about as bright as a piece of wood, flat and a bit dim. Mild and very British, it lands somewhere between affection and exasperation, the word a parent uses when you walk into a glass door. No real malice in it, just a fond shake of the head.
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